A Graduation Party

“You’re gone man? YOU’RE FUCKING GRADUATING!!!! Awesome man. Four years and a physics degree man…you know what dude….you’re going places man,” Jerry said; drinking some more; another larger gulp than the last.

            “Well, I hope so man. All you can do is just focus on tomorrow you know,” Martin said; drinking a large sip; feeling a pleasant burn in his throat.

            “You know it man. You know what you’re going to do?”

            Martin heard Jerry, but his eyes weren’t on him. He was watching Brittany work the room; everyone’s favorite hostess. All the guys looked; most of the girls had that laugh or smile; the one that said more than needed to be said. Especially the girls next to their men who were like a lioness starring down another lioness. They had their meat and they didn’t want to give it up. She had a beer in one hand; but it was more for effect. Brittany was always buzzed but never on alcohol.

            Some people needed alcohol to feel the buzz of life; they put their nose to the grind and picked it up every once in a while to calm the nerves; to release. Work hard, play hard; Martin’s dad had always said. It had never bothered Martin to work hard. Some people got up in the morning; had to get the motivation to get out of bed. No matter what had happened the night before Martin was up at 7:30 am every morning; hearing the calling. Some people were meant to be fuckups while others were meant to do important things; to be important people. Martin heard this call of importance every day; every morning he woke up.

            “Ya,…well…I got accepted  into some grad schools or there is this laboratory on the East Coast; I might do some research there. NASA stuff actually; we have to get to Mars you know,” Martin said to Jerry; who was there in body but not in mind.

            “Definitely man. You want to partner up? We can run this table in here,” Jerry said; taking another sip.

            “Ya dude, put our name on the list. I have to take a piss,” Martin said; finishing his drink and going through the crowd. Damn, he felt good.  

            He reached the bathroom; sweating hard from all the body heat. The light flickered on and he saw himself in the glass. This was the man, or boy some considered, who was graduating college. He didn’t feel ready to start; he still felt pretty green and childish. He was smarter, ya, but that didn’t mean much. He rolled his eyes and felt even better. The goose was hitting him hard. As with any buzz or drunkenness the thoughts began to swirl; trying to break the wall between thought and speaking. Martin had heard that people are their true selves when they’re drunk. He didn’t agree with that. He agreed that alcohol was a sort of liquid courage and, sometimes, it helped get out thoughts that should have been said before. The problem is, though, most of the time those thoughts aren’t taken seriously because “it’s not coming from you”. Maybe it was, though.

            He was thinking about Brittany; about what he was going to tell her. She still had one year left; it seemed that everyone in this little world he had made up in four years had one year left. He was the only person getting off at this train stop.  He blinked a couple times; sweat dripping down from his brow. It was never enough; all this drinking. His sorrows, his accomplishments; could all be summed up in the bottom of a bottle and, once it was all gone, a whole journey was starting, through the same path of things he called problems, with another bottle. Brittany, he thought, oh Brittany; why couldn’t she be his? Just one night, he thought, that’s all he needed. A bad excuse, though; he knew he wasn’t that kind of man; a man to leave his emotions with a twenty dollar bill for a cab. He blinked again and let his hand touch the door handle.

            The party was as vibrant as he had left it. It’s funny how people think a whole world stops when they leave. If there is anything that amounts to the insignificance of any human it is the fact that the world does not stop with your passing; everything keeps going even when you’re not there.  You know you’re important when, somehow, that ceases to happen. Your that vibrant; that important, that people wait on your every word; wait or your order. Does that make an important man, though, the significance that people put on you? Maybe, Martin thought, maybe other people’s opinions were all that mattered.

            “Martin, get in here. We’re up in two games,” Jerry said.

            “Okay dude,” Martin said, “I’m going to get some more vodka.”

            “Is there any other way to do it man?” Jerry said; raising his glass.

            Martin elbowed his way into the kitchen; just grabbing the whole bottle this time. It didn’t seem that he would be doing any driving this evening.

            He gripped the bottle; catching odd stares from the ladies around the bar. Apparently they thought drinking should be done casually. He took another sip; looking around for the blonde hair; a flash of light touching an angel. The light caught his eyes; Brittany’s mouth opening wide and an ocean of laughter rolling out. Another sip went down his mouth; some of the liquid trickling down his polo.

            “BRITTANY!” he yelled, “Get over here.”

            “Martin, I can’t be in two places at once. I’ll get over there soon,” she said.

            “No,” he said, feeling the courage run up through his veins; through his mind. The bridge from his mind to what came out of his mouth was slowly collapsing.

             Brittany elbowed her way through the crowd; radiant as ever. She reached Martin; with the same smile she had so carelessly craved on her face all night.

            “What’s up Martin? Having fun,” she asked; looking around; still smiling.

            “Ya, a lot more now that you’re here.”

            “Ha, you’re funny Martin. Always one to make me laugh. What’s up? You really wanted me…”

            “Can we go outside; I have to….well, tell you something,” Martin said; drinking some more.

            “Ah…okay,” Beth said; looking awkwardly behind trying to find some knight in shining armor to come and safe her.

            The ten steps to the door (yes he could still count to ten in this state) were like walking on the moon. Maybe a better way to describe was the like the camera in a Spike Lee film; in the scene where he just follows the face of actor while they walk down the street. The cold air brushed in and the potent smell of weed as well. The van was gone, as was Martins sense of time.

            He turned around; eyes wildly coming to meet Beth’s. Her face had calmed down a little and, it seemed, she was preparing herself for yet another drunken confession from one of her guy friends. What did Martin need her help with now? He was a smart guy, very nice guy but, all of these women, usually, all they saw was a student; nothing more.

            “What’s up Martin? I bet you’re excited; you’re getting out of here and into the real world,” Beth said; smiling as the words came out.

            Martin thought about his answer; where to take this and what not. His father had always said to be honest; the worse they could say was no. He needed to milk it a little, though, make her keep guessing.

            “What if I told you I was scared?” Martin asked; looking away as the word scared came out.

            “Scared? Well…I wouldn’t really understand. You’ve gotten great grades and succeeded at everything; why would you be scared?”

            This is something Martin had pondered for many hours; why did he always have this sense that he was never going to meet his goals or to satisfy his thoughts of what his life should be like? Why did he feel that he could always do better? It was this drive that made him succeed but, this thought of never being satisfied, would it set him up to always be looking for another thing; another challenge? Would he be able to live mundane and settled?

            “Workaholic…I’m scared I’ll end up some guy with all these accomplishments; all of….these things to my name except for the one thing that all humans strive to obtain: a….connection…love,” Martin said.

            Beth looked into the buzzed eyes of Martin, first wondering how he was able to articulate so well but, then, wonder what was going on in that impressive brain of his. He was the smartest person Beth knew but also the most complex. If anyone thought they knew who Martin Van Hoen was, well, they were probably wrong. He was one of those people who only showed you what he wanted you to see; a master illusionist.

            What could she say to this? What would give Martin piece of mind?

            “That will come; you know. The women will come, Martin. Right now it’s just all dumb college girls who are all just out to have fun.”

            “Well…(burp)….they’re not all dump college girls; there are a couple of women out there. You see, Beth, it’s not about the sex; the physicality of it all; it’s about a connection. A connection, when formed, passes time and holds for eternity; a connection that gives you worth; that gives you something to plug into at the end of the day. If not, you’re just plugging into your own thoughts, and, well, those can take you only so many places.

            The money, the accomplishments, satisfy it all; but only for a minute. I’m looking for everlasting, Beth, I’m looking for eternity,” Martin said; passion rising in his voice; his breath radiating out in a white haze.

            “Well, like I said….”

            It happened instantly; it was best to do it in the middle of a sentence. It all took over and Martin kissed Beth. Her lips were tense and the confusion could be felt but it soon lessened. Her lips softly cusped into his and time stood still. For Martin this was eternity; the connection he had been feeling for so long was now coming together. They separated after what seemed to be forever. Their eyes met and they stood; as if holding poses for an artist on the ground.

            “Martin….I…..I CAN’T!” Beth said.

            Emotions ran through Beth’s head; all around her body. She didn’t know what to think; she just went off instinct; opened the door and ran into the house. She would not talk to Martin for 3 months after the graduation of the class of 2030. In her mind he was still outside her apartment; perplexed; trying to figure out what was going on.

            For a while, in Martins mind, he lived up to that image.